But I'm a Dude, Dude!
by Alaina
Summary: What happens when a typical moronic, macho, homophobic guy ends up stuck in the body of a beautiful Mary Sue? Read and find out...
1. Brad

Don't ask where this came from. Please don't. Because I have no idea. We all know and HATE those Mary Sues, right? You know, when the girl-who-knows- all-sees-all-and-does-all joins the Fellowship and everyone falls in love with her. Well, what if said Mary Sue was, in fact, a guy trapped in her body. And not just any guy, but your typical moronic macho you-know-you- want-it homophobic gangsta'/punk/rapper wannabe. Like I said, please don't ask.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for Mike, Alena, all the stupid lackeys (none of which are likely to be returning after this chapter) and Brad. Although I have to admit, Brad's character is shamelessly taken from Brad from the Smirnoff Ice commercial. That's hilarious.  
  
"Hey, baby. Whadya say you and me get to know each other later tonight, ya know what I mean?" Brad had cornered another girl in front of her locker.  
  
"You're disgusting," was her answer. "Get out of my way."  
  
"Aw, come on hot stuff. You know you want me."  
  
"Um, no." Whatever Brad was going to say next was cut off as the pretty brunette kneed him sharply in the groin and marched off. As Brad hunched over, grabbing the lockers for support, his friend's laughed at him until they were nearly pissing their pants.  
  
"Dude, Brad got beat by a chick."  
  
"Shut up, man," Brad said in an unnaturally high voice. This, of course, set his friends off into hysterics again.  
  
"Wow, what a surprise. Brad's made a fool of himself yet again."  
  
"Go to hell," Brad muttered, glaring at his sister, Alena. She rolled her eyes, the same green as his.  
  
"How unbelievably original. Somebody catch me before I keel over from shock." Mike, Brad's best friend, made a move to catch her. "Don't touch me you abhorrent brute." Mike looked somewhat confused. He leaned over to the guy next to him.  
  
"Dude, that's a compliment, right?" Rolling her eyes again, Alena turned back to her brother.  
  
"What is with you and that hair anyway?" Brad's hair, which was normally dark brown, had silver and red streaks in it.  
  
"It's Bradmeister hair, man. Everything about it says 'Brad'."  
  
"Really? The impression I got was more, 'Hello, I am a complete fool.'"  
  
"Don't make me hurt you."  
  
"Like you could," Alena scoffed. Although Brad was a few inches taller and had a thicker build, he didn't exactly have the capabilities of beating her up. Most of the school was scared of him, but stories that would provoke that fear tended to be exaggerated slightly. To the point where they could be famous fairy tales. All the same, Brad couldn't let his macho reputation be ruined by his sister.  
  
"Wanna bet?" he asked, standing over her.  
  
"Well, as much as I would so LOVE to see you become the complete laughing stock of the school again, I have better things to do with my time. I just wanted to remind you to pick up those motion sickness pills after school." Brad flushed slightly.  
  
"Why can't you get them?"  
  
"Because I have drama. Besides, they're YOUR pills." Brad turned a deeper shade of red, and his friends started tittering quietly. Yes, tittering.  
  
"Fine, fine, I'll get them. Just shut up already." Smirking, Alena walked away.  
  
"Motion sickness pills?" Mike repeated incredulously, as they all left a building. "You wuss."  
  
"I'm not a wuss," Brad protested.  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
"Dude, you need motion sickness pills."  
  
"It runs in my family. It's heredi-something or other. Something to do with my pants."  
  
"What the hell? Man, you are serious fucked up. And a wuss."  
  
"I am not a god dammed wuss."  
  
"Prove it."  
  
"Fine, I will. What do you want me to do?" Thinking for a moment, Mike pointed across the road to a construction site. A long beam lay over a deep pit.  
  
"Walk over that beam."  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
"What, are you chicken?" The other lackeys started making sounds that could vaguely be described as chicken (after being stepped on by an elephant and smothered in crocodile dung).  
  
"No, I'll do it." Gingerly, Brad started out over the beam. He got to the middle of it, turned around, and looked at them. "Yeah, I'm such a wuss."  
  
"Look out!" Mike yelled. As Brad spun around, they all started laughing. They kind of stopped though, when Brad lost his balance and fell into the pit. 


	2. Tempt Fate and Receive an Arsekicking

Well, of course I know everyone is simply DYING to know what's going to happen to Brad, our resident jerk who happens to be trapped in the body of those Mary Sues we all hate so much. And no, I don't mean love to hate. And if this makes absolutely no sense, I apologize. I've been awake for 32 hours and counting.  
  
Disclaimer: I own Brad. And the idea. And that's about it.  
  
Hi to bratprincess, Malfihead, kat and Katherine4  
  
*  
  
When Brad regained consciousness, he was lying on a very hard, very cold stone floor. He kept his eyes closed. His feet hurt. His waist hurt. And his bra was digging into him.  
  
His eyes flashed open.  
  
He was outside, surrounded by people. Men, more specifically. Some of which were alarmingly... pretty. They were all staring at him questioningly, some with concern in their eyes. A tall man dropped beside him, grabbing his arm to help him stand.  
  
"Estela, are you alright?"  
  
Brad looked at him. "Estela?"  
  
Or at least, that's what he wanted to say. What came out was, "Yes, I am fine."  
  
"Well that's not good," Brad said. Or rather thought, because it appeared he had no control over his body. He took a seat between the man and two others, identical in appearance with black hair and grey eyes. Across from him, a blond man smiled at him with concern... and something else.  
  
*  
  
Elrond glanced at Estela, the familiar fond smile spreading across his face as he watched his illegitimate daughter take her seat. He would have to speak with her later about what could have caused her to suddenly collapse on the ground. But right now, he had to focus on the situation at hand- what to do with the bloody ring.  
  
*  
  
Brad paid very little attention as everyone droned on and on. He was trying to figure out where he was. They were outside, and there were no lights, or power lines. Everyone was dressed very oddly, in robes and leggings. And then, of course, there was the fact that he was dressed as a girl... and equipped as one as well. With a start, Brad realized exactly what that meant, glancing down at his... equipment.  
  
The man talking was tall, with black hair, and bore a strong resemblance to the identical twins beside Brad. He appeared to be the head honcho around here. Beside him was another man, with black hair and dressed in... black velvet? 'Queer,' Brad muttered to himself. They both looked far too pretty to be men. Beside the black velvet dude was an old dude, and then a short dude, who looked sick. Then there was a bunch more pretty dudes, these ones with blond hair. This included the blond who had smiled at him before. After that were some fairly regular looking dudes, and then some short, ugly hair dudes. More regular dudes, one of which was talking. Then more pretty dudes, these ones with dark hair leading up to the twins beside him. On the other side of the man who had helped Brad up was one more pretty black-haired dude, and then they were back to the head honcho dude again.  
  
Brad narrowed his eyes. Something about this seemed vaguely familiar. What was it that man had just said? Gondor has no king, Gondor needs no king? He knew that from somewhere. Then it hit him. 'Oh dear god no!' he screamed, although nobody heard him. Of course he knew this. It was the movie his sister watched over and over again, religiously. Lord of the Rings. But how the hell had he ended up here? He was fairly sure there were no girls in it... that was why he had refused to watch it.  
  
Suddenly chaos erupted around him. Everyone had risen to their feet and they were all yelling loudly. Brad was too, although he wasn't sure what he was saying... it appeared to be a foreign language.  
  
The short dude stood up. "I will take it!" he yelled. "I will take the ring to Mordor."  
  
'Oh Jesus Christ,' Brad sighed.  
  
The man beside him walked over to the short. He bowed on one knee before him. "If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."  
  
The blond man- or rather elf- who had smiled walked over as well. "And you have my bow."  
  
A short hairy guy walked over. "And my axe!" he announced gutturally. Brad couldn't help but notice that the elf looked less than thrilled at that.  
  
Then, somehow, he knew what was happening next. He fought it hard, and everyone was surprised for a moment as Estela started to walk over, and flopped back in her seat. But eventually she beat out Brad, of course, and stood up.  
  
"My big brother will need someone to take care of him," she giggled in a simpering voice. "There's no way I'm staying behind and letting him have all the fun."  
  
Screaming loudly, Brad slowly began to resign himself to his fate. He had become... a Mary Sue. 


End file.
